


at the edge of this world (will you remember us this way?)

by shadowkissed



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: A study of relationship, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Established Relationship, Lowercase, M/M, Mild Angst, an excuse to write soogyu kisses because we need it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28944759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowkissed/pseuds/shadowkissed
Summary: “for one more day, can you pretend that you are still in love with me?”
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 34
Kudos: 148





	1. phase 1

**Author's Note:**

> [playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0sIt1Suz6h5fIvifyFdAMs?si=96FCbv90Ss-DLyoB8QNW8w)  
> also an idea: spot the canon references in the story ♡

in a relationship, a couple generally faces two phases. 

the first one is the ascending. it started from the moment you acknowledge your crush to someone, and together with them, you will work your way up. there is only one way to go for this phase:  _ up, up,  _ and  _ up. _ the whole thing is exhilarating. the knowing each other, the firsts, the exhilaration of seeing each other again and still feel your heart jolt for them. 

the second one is the descending. some couples are lucky enough to survive this one, but most end up crashing and burning. nobody walked away unscathed from the blown up carnage of what used to be their relationship.

in this phase, everything would feel wrong. what you saw as an endearing habit of your lover might start to get under your skin, the routines would start to get exhausting, or perhaps the couple stopped being so attached to each other, that they learned how to function without them. 

sometimes, love alone couldn’t save you from the choking hold this phase might have over you.

  
  


out of a million ways to mark a beginning of a story, soobin’s story begins with an ending.

tucked at the back of a dimly lit bookstore’s storage room, is the couple in question. one of them is wrapped in the shadow of too many sleepless nights and extra working hours, while the other does not look all that better. all tensed muscles and a poor attempt of masking his nervous gait, until the three words finally slip out past his plush lips.

“let’s break up.”

no matter how much soobin has practiced it, there is no preparing him for the way beomgyu’s smile faded away from his tired eyes. his lips move soundlessly. the lips soobin loved the most. they part briefly as if he is about to counter, but stops at the last second to press together in a thin line, concealing a subtle trembling of his bottom lip. 

“so, this is it,” he says after what felt like a forever of silence. “this is the end.”

it feels more real the moment beomgyu voices it, and even more palpable in the air between them when soobin has to confirm it. a guillotine’s blade. ready to finalize a death sentence.

“yeah.”

“but—“ beomgyu starts talking, only to be interrupted as the familiar voice of his manager calls out to him from the front desk. he curses under his breath, taking a glance behind him before looking back at soobin again. his eyes are helpless for a split second, but it might just be soobin’s mind trying to fool him into believing that there are some feelings left between them. 

“it’s okay, gyu. they need you, i told you it’d only take a minute anyway.”

there is a look of pain crossing beomgyu’s eyes. it must be the implication of  _ they need you, and i don’t _ that caught him for a second before his gaze hardened again. 

“can you wait for me? i’ll just see what they need and—“he inhales deeply when his name is called again, throwing a sharp look at the elder, demanding. “just wait for me, please.”

he leaves the storage room afterwards, for way too long that soobin feels like he’s overstaying his welcome. he ventures out of the library, opting to wait in the alley behind the library, with the autumn wind beating his cheeks and seeping into his bones. it’s good that he already numbs himself from feelings before he came to beomgyu; apparently it applies to protecting himself from the chill air as well. 

“i don’t want to break up,” beomgyu’s words come to him before he notices his boyfriend marching towards him, a look of panic in his face now. he must have thought that soobin left. except soobin never left. 

even after too many times thinking of leaving this relationship, he stayed. so he could stay for beomgyu for a little longer. 

but he couldn’t stay in a one-person relationship forever. 

the signs were always there, an elephant in the room that he ignored. 

“beomgyu.”

“i get that i’ve been a bad boyfriend for a while, it’s all my fault and i’m not saying i’d be more available to you after this, but please…” his words float in the air. unfinished as beomgyu’s breath hitched.

soobin finished it in his head for him. 

_ please don’t give up on me. _

“you’ve seen this coming, huh?” soobin sighs, running his fingers through his own hair. “so you must have felt that we haven’t really been in a relationship for the past few weeks.”

beomgyu bites down on his lower lip. “i know. it’s all on me, but i can fix it.”

“what’s left for us to hold onto, beomgyu?”

“a break. let’s take a break, hyung,” beomgyu pleads, desperation dripping from his voice though he tries to sound firm and demanding, almost like he is giving an ultimatum. “if you really think that you don’t want me anymore after a week, then i’ll accept it.”

but soobin knows beomgyu like he knows the back of his hand, at least the surface of it. beomgyu always tries to look strong, never let anyone have a peek into the vulnerable side he locks behind a wall of his cheerful and loud façade. he always keeps everyone at an arm length from his emotions. sometimes, that everyone includes soobin. 

“we’ve taken more than a week of break.”

soobin scoffs, and beomgyu looks pissed off for a split second. angry tears bloom into his eyes, ready to burst. it is channelled in the demand that he gave shortly after. the shakiness in his voice is retained by a particularly sharp bite to his own lip that left a bleeding mark. 

“just. if you’ve ever loved me all this time, can you grant me this last wish?”

soobin can’t say no. 

he can never say no to the broken look in beomgyu’s eyes. not when all he wants to do is to take the younger in his arms and assure him that  _ no, there is no way i’d give up on you _ . because getting over someone doesn’t come with just a sentence of ‘let’s break up’. it is a start.

one week won’t make any difference. 

==

there is a belief that when someone dies, they will have their memories of the lifetime displayed before their eyes in a quick flash of camera rolls. 

for beomgyu, it applies to the end of his relationship, too. the highlights of their two years of relationship. in the few seconds of suffocating silence that settled between them after soobin asked for a break up, all of their memories flashed across the back of beomgyu’s eyelids.

it became the beginning of beomgyu’s story.

the beginning of the first phase was marked by an accidental bite of tongue and a loud crash.

beomgyu winced at the sound, but mostly for the aftermath of the shock that makes him bite down on his tongue. as if he hadn’t been crying enough, another drop of tear slips past his scrunched eyes from the sting. it would’ve been nice if he was left in peace afterwards to resume his crying session, but he couldn’t even be left on his own to  _ think _ about his problems.

the sound of the crash came from this idiot who biked past him and couldn’t keep his eyes on the road long enough to not crash into an innocent trash can. 

the guy was sitting on his butt, not making any attempt to get up even with some students laughing as they passed by. it might have something to do with how the fancy chain from his black jeans was tangled with a part of his bike. how that happened, beomgyu did not even want to imagine. 

he only knew that he didn’t want to sit there while the guy was complaining and cursing under his breath. so he got up from the bench, brushing the remnants of tears from his face with the sleeves of his sweater, and swallowed up his pride as he walked over to help him. 

that moment the idiot stranger looked up into his eyes, beomgyu knew that it was the start of  _ something _ .

his nimble fingers worked on untangling the accessories, setting it free in under a minute. throughout the whole thing, he felt an intense stare on him. 

or maybe it’s just in his head, since he thought this guy looked intimidating. 

“so pink,” that’s the first time he heard the latter speak, making him flinch before looking up to catch his gaze with a confused one. “your lips. they are so pink.”

beomgyu had watched a lot of tutorial videos on how to socialize in college, read a lot of articles about that too. none of them told him about how to handle a situation in which a random fellow student paid this much attention to the way your lips looked.

“thanks, you too,” that ended up being his answer, which made him want to cry again because of how awkward it sounded.

it earned him a laugh. “my name’s choi soobin, by the way. business major. this is my first time seeing you around.”

it was not the first time for beomgyu to see him in the campus. with that pastel blue hair he had currently? it wasn’t so hard to spot him among the new students during the orientation. he also remembered overhearing a disciplinary guy from the council came over to him to ask about his hair color, only for him to have the campus’ code of conduct ready, just to prove that there was no such ridiculous regulation. 

choi soobin might look like a calm water at first, but he brought himself in a powerful way. an intimidating persona that would gain anyone’s respect. he’s not the type to back down from something when he knows he’s right. 

a type to cause ripples into the quiet college life beomgyu strived to have when he escaped the hell of high school’s political social system. exactly the kind beomgyu had promised himself not to be involved with when he entered this campus on his first day.

but then soobin smiled at him, all gentle and river-calm. 

beomgyu broke his rule.

“choi beomgyu, first year art department,” he said. 

“well, beomgyu, thank you for helping a damsel in distress,” soobin said, breaking into a soft laughter. it’s the laughter that would be ringing in beomgyu’s head for countless nights after. “though it’s technically your fault that i got distracted.”

he frowned, offended from the blame he’s suddenly getting. “because i was crying?”

“nope, that’s a common sight around here,” soobin got up with a knowing smile, picking up his bike and dusting off some dirt from his pants.

“what is it then?”

he felt a gentle touch on his chin, making him look up so that their eyes were locked together. soobin had his plush lips stretched into a playful smile, and it should’ve made it easier for beomgyu to not take him seriously. except he did. 

he let soobin get under his skin, spreading his warmth into his cheeks. 

“maybe I will tell you next time.”

soobin left afterwards, talking about how he was late to class already. but beomgyu didn’t catch his words. the only thing he could think about was how soobin found his lips pretty, and that there was a possibility for a next time.

==

despite how their love started off as flying sparks that instantly caught on fire, this kind of love came with a slow descent into the bottom. 

nobody told you what waited for you on the bottom when you fell in love. you were not supposed to hit the bottom, but if you did, the painful crash will be inevitable. 

their love was burning so brightly in the beginning, way too much fire and too much passion, that it was bound to burn out eventually. now they are left with nothing other than the realization that there’s nothing left other than a small flicker. one that soobin tried to nestle for the past few months. 

junior year took a great hit of their relationship. it was the price of a perfect summer holiday they spent together in delusion of a love that would last forever. 

when the semester started, they started seeing each other less. beomgyu worked part time at the bookstore three times a week and had to finish all the assignments before his night shift at a café. it was not rare that he fell asleep at the most random time and place. 

on the scarce time they would meet, beomgyu sometimes would doze in the middle of a sentence, or in the middle of eating his lunch. often, he would come home when he had some free time between classes or before his shift. and then he would fall asleep there, snuggled up to soobin’s side while he’s working on his assignment, or curled up in his bed if soobin hadn’t gotten back from classes. 

their relationship had settled into a quiet, comfortable zone. and it was okay.

it was okay until the silence started to fill up with negative thoughts and doubts. still, soobin couldn’t blame beomgyu for being busy with his work and study. couldn’t blame the boy for being tired all the time and seeking refuge in his boyfriend’s arms. 

all those times he came over just to take a short nap before he had to go again, either for his part-time job, club activities, or hangouts. beomgyu was very active, and everyone liked him enough to want him around at any possible time. 

with such a bright presence beomgyu had, it was easier for soobin to notice his absence.

it left an empty spot next to him, in his arms, slowly eating away the fullness in his heart from the time they were happy and in love, and had all the time in the world.

once, soobin was beomgyu’s everything. 

these days, he wasn’t even worth a space in beomgyu’s schedule anymore. 

the first time he addressed it was during a fight, which was fucked up of him. what kind of boyfriend tried to communicate during a fight? it never ended up well. 

they fought about silly little things any other day - misplaced things, wrongly recalled trivias, forgotten cleaning turns. the fact that they always ended up rolling around the carpet and making out after those fights had lulled them into a comfortable zone. a dangerous mindset that nothing could ever go wrong between them. 

when they actually fought for the first time, it came as a bucket of ice cold water splashed over their faces.

it started the way a storm hit the ocean. the build-up was slow, a fake sense of serenity, as soobin found himself locked out of the apartment one night after throwing out trash. he didn’t bring his phone or keys, and he ended up sleeping at kai’s place. it was just his luck that he knew someone who lived in the same building.

what caused the fuse to blow was beomgyu’s relaxed attitude the following morning.

he had welcomed soobin inside with a cheerful smile on his lips and a nonchalant, drawled “where did you sleep last night? i didn’t know you went for a sleepover,” just before drowsiness took over his visage again as he walked back towards the bedroom without waiting for an answer.

except, soobin had blocked his path then.

“why are you always doing this?” he asked, exhaling an exasperated breath at the way beomgyu just blinked up at him. “acting like everything doesn’t matter. like me being there didn’t matter to you. did you even look for me?”

beomgyu ran his fingers through his tousled hair, fresh out of bed. his voice deep, devoid of the emotions soobin expected to hear from him in this situation. the guilt.

all he could hear was distance. they were miles apart despite standing so close together.

“i was dead asleep. you could’ve borrowed a phone to call me but you were content sleeping with kai anyway.”

“you didn’t wake up after i banged the door for so long, there’s no way you would wake up from a call.”

no one went back to sleep. the initial problem about being locked out of the apartment was forgotten, followed up by unrelated matters being brought up in rising tones. those times soobin would forget to respond to texts, or when beomgyu would fall off radar only to show up at a random instagram post from a party. 

they never had an actual fight before, but it turned out that all the problems were just waiting to blow up.

the argument went over the boiling point, until beomgyu threw his hands up in defeat. 

“god, you really make it suffocating sometimes. being here!”

“i am suffocating, now?”

“it’s like i’m taking in so much air in this place whenever you look so unhappy around me. you just confirmed everything now when you always said it was fine before this.”

“i’m not unhappy-”

“hyung, i keep pushing and pushing for you to tell me what is wrong, but nothing i did left a crack on those walls you built around you. and then you just exploded with everything. have you always waited for this? for choi beomgyu to fuck up so you can push all the blame on him?”

soobin stared at him, feeling like he was standing there with a stranger in his living room. with intensified emotions bubbling inside him, it was hard to acknowledge a possibility of it being true. so he could only throw questions back.

neither of them had answers, but they had every weapon they needed to hurt.

and in the end, soobin was the one who delivered the final strike.

“maybe because it feels like living with a ghost? except he keeps saying that he is in love with me, and i believed him.”

tension was all over the air, but this time it grew stronger, so thick in the air that they could slice it with a knife. it was also showing in the way beomgyu’s jaw clenched, set so tightly soobin could hear his teeth clank. 

“what, you don’t believe me anymore now?” he sneered, snorting out an incredulous laugh.

disbelief. wanting to prove himself wrong.

except soobin failed him when he said: “i’m starting to wonder.”

the thing they failed to do: they forgot to love each other when they hated each other.

countless times, soobin felt like he lost beomgyu, but that day, it was closer than ever. because all the previous times, he always reached out and found his lover back. 

this time, his fingers were grabbing a thin air, stopping before he could touch beomgyu as he watched the male storm away from their shared apartment. it was his turn to find somewhere else to sleep that night. 

the next day, beomgyu’s loud laughter greeted him as he entered the campus’ cafeteria. he was always drawn to that voice, after all, just like how beomgyu’s eyes would always find him in the middle of the sea of nameless faces. beomgyu found him again that day, and he had gone back to acting like nothing had happened. not recalling the whole argument consisting of things they meant to say.

soobin thought that beomgyu was always the best at faking his feelings, but now that he had space to wonder. he wondered about everything. 

  
all this time, he had always thought that beomgyu looked the prettiest when he was in love with soobin; eyes twinkling and smiles colouring his lips. that day he watched beomgyu from a distance that felt like miles away, he realized that beomgyu shone the brightest when he was not being wrapped inside the arms that were not big enough to contain his ways of love.

==

the promised  _ next time _ was the first college party beomgyu attended.

he almost left right away after hearing the head-throbbing playlist and noises of people having fun and having the time of their lives. instead, whatever force that worked with the fates made him sit down on the couch and sipped from a solo cup. it tasted sweet like strawberries, but bitter like some unnamed liquor. cheap ones, he figured, since it barely burned down the slide of his throat. 

and then there was choi soobin, walking into the place and taking away all the oxygen in the room. 

beomgyu’s heart betrayed him as it thumped a beat faster in his chest, until he tore his gaze away and finally joined the floor for a game. 

it was only after his second cup of shitty strawberry drink and three game losses that he was back on the couch again. this time, his back was pressed down against the soft cushion while a pair of lips were pressed to his neck.

how did it begin? was it the smile he threw at soobin across the room as their gazes locked? 

or maybe it was the moment soobin joined him on the couch, whispering into his ear. 

“didn’t think I’d see you here.”

“same goes for you.”

“I’m friends with the person who held the party, what’s your excuse?”

“an ex thing said that I’m boring cause I don’t enjoy this kind of party, but I guess I’m boring.”

“you really had to prove them otherwise?”

“yes.”

and the next second, he found his world tilted, as soobin’s face hovered way too close to his. his gaze momentarily distracted by soobin’s hand that was rested on his hip, slowly sliding up under his jacket and cradling his waist securely. the touch brought fire into his skin.

“you smell so nice. strawberries and peach. i love peach scent.”

beomgyu’s brain short circuited, especially with how close soobin was. he felt the drag of soobin’s nose along his jawline, the soft inhales and accidental brushing of chapped lips against his skin. he had to shut his eyes, as if that would help him swallow down what he felt. the feeling of  _ wants. _

want to touch his hair. want to pull on his shirt so he stumbled down and crash against beomgyu. want to press his lips against the other’s plush ones so they stop moving when he talked. 

_ wants. _

“the strawberries must be from the drink, though,” he said softly, trying not to give away the tremble in his voice.

“is it?”

“want a taste?”

he wasn’t sure what he expected by saying that, but as soobin lifted his gaze and their eyes locked again, he was sure of what he wanted. soobin did, too. because the next thing he knew, soobin’s lips were pressed against his own and his heart forgot how to beat for a split second.

it left him breathless. his brain was probably deprived of oxygen that he was unable to think properly. all he knew was that he wanted to kiss soobin’s lips forever. wanted the warmth of his body on top of his own. he didn’t even care about them being in a public place anymore. the cheers of their friends’ in their silly game marking the moment their lips met for another kiss.

==

the last few weeks of their relationship were not filled with agonizing fights or spiteful chides. there were only absences.

with the final exams rolling into them in a surge, it was hard to keep up with deadlines, let alone relationships. they were in their senior year and there were just too many things to do and too little hours in the day, that they stopped being each other’s priority. 

still, soobin couldn’t help but to feel the hollow space forming in his days. 

good morning kisses were replaced by a kiss soobin would usually give to beomgyu’s sleeping face, knowing that his boyfriend liked to pull an all-nighter. typing sounds on the keyboard replaced their late night talks. and eventually, they stopped spending so much time in the apartment – pulling all-nighters with project partners and only coming back for quick showers before they had to attend classes again. 

(“just a little more… i promise, no, i’m not overworking myself,” beomgyu said in their obligatory phone call at night, as he was staying at taehyun’s place, working on their shared project.

“okay. will you come home later?”

“i will!” beomgyu said.

he was about to hang up later when beomgyu hurriedly added. “it’s your birthday, after all.”

soobin smiled bitterly, staring at the clock that showed a quarter to twelve am, recalling the previous year when they were in love, and beomgyu was the one who’s more excited to count down to his birthday.

but they were adults, and soobin just had to suck it up. 

at least he remembered. it would be enough

_ spoiler: it wasn’t enough. _ )

it was just his luck that caused soobin to finish his sets of exams first, that he was stuck in the lonely space, left to his thoughts.

after the fights, came the laughter, then ended with silence.

eventually, it came to the point where soobin got too used to not being with beomgyu and not missing him. he could see that beomgyu tried, but it was not enough, because what used to be a painful night where he missed the presence of beomgyu by his side turned into an okay one, and when he did have beomgyu in his arms, it started to feel foreign. 

(“are you okay?” beomgyu questioned one night, as their lips parted from a tender kiss, and soobin was hit with the realization. 

“i’m…”  _ i don’t recognize us anymore and that’s not okay _ . “i’m okay.”

beomgyu frowned, and soobin was relieved that he still felt the ache in his chest from seeing the displeasure in his boyfriend’s face. 

he kissed beomgyu’s frown away, and it was cold.)

it’s the kind of feeling when your home doesn’t feel like a home anymore. you left your home for so long that it lost the sense of being home.

and he tried, really, he tried to stay in love with beomgyu. 

he tried to still take care of him, he tried to find the excitement over the last few dates that beomgyu spared with him. and that’s when he realized that it was the end.

because the moment you  _ try _ to be in love with someone, that’s when you know that you are not in love with them.

==

there was a saying that a couple’s honeymoon period ended after their first big fight.

their honeymoon lasted for way too long, that they took it for granted. it dragged on from their first year to their second one. from the winter where their first kiss took place, to the spring that marked most of their firsts – shy beginnings, burning love and passion in summer, and a gentle and warm home in each other’s arms for the autumn. 

summer was the peak of a relationship for college students who were not usually privileged for so much free time during the semester.

the first summer ended too quickly, with countless making outs and hickeys and ice cream trips. 

on their second summer, they went to a vacation house with their friends. it was with other people that they burned the brightest, among the water splashes at the backyard of the vacation house they rented solely for this reason. 

at some point, yeonjun was  _ seething _ . that’s choi yeonjun for you, always giving back twice as he was given, no matter how positive or negative it was. yeonjun was throwing the water balloons that exploded on their backs, with kai’s high pitched squeals in the background and taehyun who was the only one who could counter the attack with his own water gun.

“i will not stop until there’s no dry spot left on you guys. down to your underwear!” he screamed his threats then.

and soobin. a whole five cm taller than the eldest, kept on trying to hide behind beomgyu’s back throughout the whole raging session. and in the end, he just ended up scooping beomgyu into his arms and used him as a shield while yeonjun sprayed cold water towards them with the hose.

laughter and screams filled the place, but beomgyu’s was the loudest. with a spluttered  _ “fuck!” _ that came out too loud when the cold water splashed straight onto his face .

beomgyu felt the hold loosened around his waist, and he was already turned around to meet soobin’s amused face the next time he had his eyes open. blinking the water drops away from his eyelashes.

“foul words, baby. you owe the swear jar five thousand won.”

ah right. that swear jar they started for fun and remained half-empty since neither of them slipped cuss words that often.

“well, there’s no jar here so let’s just forget.”

but soobin. he had 101 ways to take his breath away. this time, it came in the way he cupped beomgyu’s cheeks and pressed a kiss to his mouth. a searing one, replacing the coldness from wind beating their wet clothes and leaving him gasping for air by the end of it. 

he registered the voices of their friends booing them, complaining about public display of affections and declaring that the fun was over. beomgyu was too busy trying not to melt into one of the water puddles.

he was aching all over from the kiss alone. but it was mostly his heart that ached, filled with longing and absolute lovesickness for his boyfriend.

later that night, the five of them came back out again in the backyard, talking over the sizzling meat and drinking soju beer. there was a lot of laughter. a lot of memories to recall years after. 

among the noises of laughters and clinking glasses, there was a tender stare. beomgyu caught a pair of eyes following his every movement as he was talking to taehyun about his wisdom teeth experience. which was weird, because soobin have heard his story three times already.

later on as they were alone in their little corner again, beomgyu asked why soobin stared at him so much. 

soobin looked at him like the question was silly. like the answer should’ve been obvious.

“i’m memorizing you. every little thing about you, from the way you blink to the way your eyes shine when you’re excited, i want to imprint them all in the depth of my mind.”

the answer still left beomgyu baffled, though it couldn’t hinder more heat from spreading across his alcohol heated cheeks nonetheless. “what for? you can just keep looking at me when you want a reminder.”

there it was again, the look that made him feel like he was silly for asking. but soobin was gentle as he kissed the rest of his questions away from his lips. 

“just because.”

beomgyu should’ve known then, that the concept of forever does not actually exist forever. it stays in happy moments, such as when you are in love, or when you actually have something to lose. that’s why only happy people believe in forever.

beomgyu should’ve known that soobin would be preparing for a day where they finally lost the privilege to be with each other. 

he should’ve known then. he should’ve…

==

their second honeymoon period happened briefly when they tried to rekindle their relationship, that moment they both noticed that something was terribly wrong. this was the moment their problems went dormant, but not gone. 

“because you never talk! you never said what’s bothering you and then you pull dramatic shits like this, hyung.”

they were in the middle of another fight when soobin shut down, proving the other right.

it was always the same problems over and over again, burning them down in anger during the fight and forgotten the next day, but actually only tucked at the back of their minds for another round of fights in the future.

“i’m tired.” beomgyu gaped at his words, looking like he had a thousand more things to argue about, but he took a look in soobin’s eyes, and he stopped. “i’m so, so tired, beomgyu.”

beomgyu gathered him into his arms and they just cuddled in the middle of the living room for a moment. they kissed like they hadn’t been for weeks, and then they went upstairs to the rooftop of their apartment, trying to find some stars.

“it’s just dark.”

“light pollution.”

“right… what did we expect?”

they stood there dejected for a moment before looking at each other and burst into laughter. the night was dark and the autumn air was hitting them mercilessly, straight into the bones with how thin their clothing was.

it was more silly than funny, but it felt like  _ them. _ they found each other again at that split moment.

moments later, they walked down hand in hands, going for a last minute shopping before all the store closed for the day. they managed to get some tiny glow in the dark star stickers from a cheap store and some fluorescent paint.

their bedroom was clad in green stars and paint by the end of the day. the last touch was beomgyu sitting on top of the taller’s shoulders, seated comfortably there while he painted the ceiling a picture of a starry night sky. 

not long after, the couple laid down on the floor with all the lights out, staring up at the gleaming stars. they were in love again.

but the lights from the painted stars slowly dimmed out.

that was how their second honeymoon phase went too, as they went on their days like that perfect day never happened. just one vacation in the middle of their mundane relationship. one loving day that reminded them of how much they love each other.

it was not enough.

it served as a reminder for soobin of how much he craved love, and made him wonder whether he was in love with beomgyu or just a concept of love he offered by now. 

as they laid there in the darkness, he didn’t tell beomgyu that, and that was his death sentence.

he wondered if things would have been different if he had spoken. 

this happened last week. 

==

for beomgyu, the break up was out of the blue.

one moment, he had everything he had ever wanted. he had a love story straight out of fairy tale, and he was so close to graduating, to an actual happily ever after with someone he loved. he had planned his future, how they would probably find a new place in the city, closer to where they worked later on.

but a happy ending is never an actual ending, it is a beginning. 

your princess found her prince, and they got married and live happily ever after. these stories never told what happened after that ending. not the problems that came with the happiness brought by the relationship; the doubts, arguments, loss of feelings. 

they are a part of a relationship.

and it would be a lie if beomgyu said that he hadn’t seen them. the cracks that started to form in their relationship, unlike how soobin refused to let his walls crack under beomgyu’s pressuring. 

he just never thought that he would see this one break apart and crumble on his feet first. 

“are you breaking up for good?” taehyun questions on the third day of the break. 

by this time, beomgyu has grown anxious, falling into the shadow every time he would spot his boyfriend at the campus and had to hide because he didn’t want to break their break. or maybe he just does not want to meet soobin when he cannot look at beomgyu like he is the most beautiful person he has ever seen.

only now that beomgyu realizes he hasn’t seen that look in forever.

just how many signs had he missed?

“no… i don’t even know how this is happening. we were perfect.”

taehyun stares at him for a moment before breaking into a sigh. “you moved out of your shared apartment because you said it was too suffocating there, and remember that time you cried to me about how soobin hyung won’t talk to you for a whole day when he was moody? exactly.” sometimes he hates taehyun for being so observant. “you really think this won’t happen sooner or later?”

he has been avoiding thinking about it until now, ignoring the ache in his chest that grows with every passing hours that he is not allowed to be in love with choi soobin. 

after all, it’s easier to feel something when it’s absent when it steals away a portion of your heart, leaving a hollow space smack in the center.

“i know that things have been different these days, but i thought we would get past it. i thought our love was strong enough to overcome this,” he says, feeling more like an idiot under taehyun’s observing eyes. 

“you know it doesn’t work like that in real life, right?”

“i know,” he sighs, the breath he takes in next feels painful, piercing his lungs that he might as well have inhaled a box of nails. “i just don’t know how to function anymore without loving him.”

“well,” taehyun said, placing a bracelet on top of the table. beomgyu’s eyes widened as he recognized it. the bracelet he got from soobin and lost barely three months after. he remembers how angry soobin had been back then. “you fight for it then.”

he bites down onto his lower lip, thinking about soobin and his cold eyes, and then to the cold bed that is waiting for him in this apartment he is using with his best friend. and that’s when it hits him, that no matter what path he takes, it will be cold.

he put words into his feelings right at that second. the cold fear materializing in his chest realizing that he has missed so many signs. that he and soobin haven’t been doing well in loving each other these days, the elder might have forgotten how to love him by now. 

it scares him, the prospect of soobin staring at him with eyes void of love. 

“i’m scared, taehyunnie,” he voices it in a whisper, instantly feeling pathetic then, that he has waited for so long to acknowledge it. 

he is trying to cross a burning bridge, hanging into a hope that he won’t burn down with it.

“if it doesn’t work out, then at least you come back here knowing you’ve fought.”

“you’ll welcome me?” 

“there’s a reason why i never gave up your room even after you moved out.”

“because you expected this to happen?” beomgyu smiles bitterly. even his best friend had seen it coming, probably knew all along that beomgyu would eventually ruin a perfect relationship. he always ruins things.

taehyun shakes his head.

“no. because i want you to know that you’ll always have a home to go back to.”

sometimes he thinks that it was the curse of having a safety net. falling in love is free-falling into the abyss, not knowing what greets you at the bottom, but still excites you because at least you are not falling on your own.

both soobin and beomgyu always come with a safety net in this relationship. soobin with the thick impenetrable walls around him and beomgyu with his distractions – other friends, social activities, parties he does not want to attend.

they never found a safety net within each other despite being each other’s homes, and that’s where they went wrong.

==

it’s on the sixth day that soobin sees his boyfriend again. 

in the two years of their relationship, this is the longest they have ever been without contacting each other. the pain and longing are still there, eating him up whenever he climbs into the bed and runs his hand over the cold sheet where beomgyu used to curl up on. 

but it gets easier quickly enough. it’s easy since he has gotten used to the absence ever since beomgyu stops sleeping in their shared apartment.

he is in the middle of cooking some lunch when he hears the front door being unlocked, followed by hurried footsteps into the room. 

beomgyu comes in bringing a storm in his steps. the tip of his nose still reddish from being in the cold. “why?” that’s the first thing that comes out of his frozen lips. 

the meal does not look so appetizing anymore, scrambled eggs and vegetables cooking under soobin’s watchful eyes, while in fact his focus is nowhere other than on the sound of beomgyu’s breathing that goes slower. it’s when he notices a presence of hiccup in his breath that soobin does answer. 

“what’s the matter, beomgyu?” he asks, not bothering to tear his gaze away. 

but beomgyu is a strong presence. that’s how he got soobin to fall head over heels for him, that very first day his presence made soobin crash into a trash can, or when his presence in that party made soobin forget about everything else other than the urge to kiss him. 

his presence is strong now, gaining a clutch around his heart especially with the question that slips out of his lips next.

“why do you want a breakup? why—“ he pauses to take a breath, staggering forward for a step closer into the safe zone soobin had drawn around him in the kitchen counter. “is it because i have been busy lately? i can fix it… it’s holiday soon and i can stay behind so we can fix it. is it something else that i did? please…”

if he had asked this back then when soobin asked for a breakup in the bookstore, soobin would have been stunned there with no answer. now that he has had too much time to think. a  _ break _ from  _ having _ to love choi beomgyu, he knows the answer.

he turns off the stove, ignoring his ruined meal as he turns around to look straight into beomgyu’s eyes. the pair of eyes he loved the most, framed by tears that cascade down his cheeks when he blinks.

“it’s not particularly because of something that you did,” he says. 

beomgyu is on the verge of yelling, or tearing at his own hair out of frustration. “then  _ why _ ? please help me understand, hyung. how did we become like this? we were perfect and now…”

his words are dripping with the taste of heartbreak, and if soobin thought it hurt, nothing hurts more than when his own thoughts materialize into his own voice. because that’s when it becomes real.

“it’s just… i’m not in love with you anymore, beomgyu.”

that’s it. the moment sweet voice that usually calls out  _ beomgyu-ah, hey beomgyu-ah. baby.. love. gyu-ah, i love you. _ becomes just beomgyu.

soobin can see the other physically breaks into pieces, and he turns around just to avoid seeing the ruin he has caused. the food is not interesting anymore, as he feels sick to the stomach for breaking his side of their promise with his own lips.

the pair of lips that promised beomgyu  _ forever _ .

he only acknowledges his boyfriend’s presence when he feels arms wrapped tightly around his waist, hugging him from behind. beomgyu’s face is pressed into his nape, reminding him how beomgyu is just the perfect height to kiss his nape whenever he would hug him from behind.

sleepy mornings where he would sleepily watch soobin cook their breakfast. secret kisses at the bookstore beomgyu works at, where soobin would visit sometimes just so they could go home together.

that very first time beomgyu had hugged him from behind just to stop him from going home, pressing a kiss to his nape just to steal another five seconds of being together. it was the day soobin knew that beomgyu was capable of being in love with him without a word.

it’s too bad that his silence stops being enough.

“soobin-ah… _ hyung. _ can you do me another favour? just one more and i will get out of your hair for good.”

it’s tempting. beomgyu knows that he can never say no.

“we can’t keep doing this, gyu. we had the break because you asked for it, and it’s obviously not working.

a soft sob rips through the heavy silence in the room, reminding him that the younger is still crying. he feels the shake travelling through beomgyu’s frame before he speaks again. 

“i promise, i’m not going to beg you to take me back. after this, we can go on our own way. i will disappear without a trace, and you won’t have to be in pain anymore.”

“what is it?” soobin finally turns around, taking beomgyu’s hands from around him to draw some space between them. he watches the tears that clung to beomgyu’s eyes, crystal clear under the glaring kitchen lights, right where they have made out countless times before. 

the ache in his chest is soothed with the thought that this is for the best. with this separation, he will never have to hurt beomgyu anymore. one more favour won’t hurt them.

“for one more day, can you pretend that you are still in love with me?”


	2. phase 2

their actual first kiss was cold.

they weren’t dating yet. it was the period of lingering stares and walking on the thin line between friends and lovers. both of them danced too closely to the edge, teetering along it, but not brave enough to take the risk of ruining this beautiful thing that was developing between them. 

the push came in the form of this one ambitious senior trying to make the couple of freshmen sign up for a basketball club. perhaps he should’ve taken into consideration that being tall also came with the ability to run faster. their hands were locked together as they ran through the corridor. stifled laughter and bated breath decorated the expanse of the last five minutes of their run, until they got to the very top of the building. 

it was early winter, which made them a couple of fools being there. the unforgiving force of the wind welcomed them as soon as they got out to the open space of the rooftop. 

beomgyu had conveniently forgotten his jacket downstairs, and soobin took off his coat to put around the smaller male. 

“you can’t even handle the cold, you idiot!” he yelped, only to be shushed as the taller pressed close to him. “oh… this is better, but—“

his voice was stolen by a drop of iciness that landed on his cheek. he tilted his head back, eyes widening along with his smile as he stared at the white drops of snowflakes coming from the sky. not solid enough yet to be a snow, but still materialized into tiny drops of blurred white.

“can we count this as the first snow? they said that the first snow is a perfect time to spend your time with a couple. do you have anyone you want to spend your time with?”

“yes.”

“you do?” beomgyu turned his attention back from the sky to look at soobin again, only to notice that the male had been looking at him the whole time. his gaze deep, while a smile toyed across his lips. “oops… i guess it’s safe enough to go down.”

he sputtered and tried to step away, only for soobin’s arms to slide around his waist instead, pulling their bodies flush together. the jacket slid down his shoulders effortlessly, falling onto their feet.

“hey, remember that time we met? that day i crashed because of you?”

he snorted at the memory. “because of me? please, you never told me the actual reason.”

“it was because of your lips.”

“what?”

“have i ever told you that you have the prettiest lips i’ve ever seen?”

beomgyu stared at him, incredulous, because that’s choi soobin. soobin and his pretty lips. the pretty lips he has been dreaming to kiss for way too many weeks now ever since their silly encounter at the party that was left unspoken.

a gentle touch of soobin’s thumb to his lips gathered his attention back, making him blink slowly as he watched the elder’s gaze drop to his lips. “you have snowflakes on your face.”

“yeah… i was stupid for catching them with my face, now it’s all cold…” he trails off when soobin got closer.

“beomgyu?”

“y-yeah?”

“shut up for a bit.” 

not like he had the ability to form words when soobin drew closer, and closer, until he couldn’t see or feel anything else that was not  _ choi soobin _ . before he knew it, he was being kissed. the warmth of soobin’s lips against his own melted the iciness from his lips. it also melted the protective barriers he had built around his heart.

he was free falling, but at least soobin had his arms secured around him. the hold laced with a promise of never letting go.

beomgyu felt at home.

==

unlike how hard it was getting used to not having beomgyu by his side, it’s easier for soobin to let him waltz back into his life like nothing happened.

as if the tearful scene never happened, they find themselves there again in the very same kitchen the next day. tears are no longer in sight, replaced by laughter and mumbled instructions as they put the ingredients for cookie dough in the baking bowl.

“how much sugar do you want?” soobin asks, holding the bag of powdered sugar to be measured. 

beomgyu stares at it before taking it from him. “yes.”

“yes?”

the answer comes in the flood of white exploding in the air between them as beomgyu pours some of the powdered sugar right into the bowl. a grin on his face contrasts the horrified look in soobin’s. it’s funny how beomgyu is always the one who likes careful planning and order, yet he always does this kind of thing when they are being limited by rules; especially when it comes to cooking and baking. 

“remind me never to let you back in the kitchen,” soobin sighs, his breath blowing away the floating sugar in the air. 

it intensifies as the hand mixer comes into view, and the white powder explodes some more in the air between them. the dust of white sweetness floats in the air even as the dough are separated into little balls on the pan, and dumped in the oven.

the baking was planned in the spur of a moment, with christmas coming up soon and they had failed to actualize their baking plans for the last two christmases they spent together. as they are only doing simple things like baking, it does not feel as much of an obligation as when beomgyu first vocalized his request.

_ “for one more day, can you pretend that you are still in love with me?” _

soobin knows that he can do that well, knows that his body is still customised to loving choi beomgyu after being together for so long. so it feels natural for them to spend a day like this, all laughter and mischievous smiles, dusty sugar floating in the air between them and sticking to their skin.

when beomgyu turns away from the oven to look at him again, he can’t help the fond smile adorning his lips from the way beomgyu’s face is marked at some random spaces with the white from powdered sugar.

“what?” he asks, tilting his head to a side. 

whenever he does this, beomgyu always reminds him of a maltese puppy. confused, excited, happy. 

as he has gotten into the role as the soobin who is in love with beomgyu, he can’t lose this opportunity. it’s not his fault when he cups beomgyu’s cheeks, a thumb touching gently onto his lower lip to make his lips part, before the single digit is replaced by his own plush lips.

the sweetness explodes on his taste buds along with the gasp that escapes beomgyu’s lips. soobin knows that it has little to do with the sugar.

when they part, beomgyu is looking at him with dazed eyes, blinking slowly, questioningly. 

“you got something on your lips,” is the only answer he can offer, and the smile beomgyu gives him in return is rewarding. 

beomgyu looks the happiest he has ever been in what feels like too long, which only reminds soobin has given up on trying to chase after the shadow of his lover’s smile.

it makes his heart flutter in a dangerous way. soobin feels like he is walking down a fragile line, and he could fall again anytime soon from the chasm he has climbed out of. except this time the fall would hurt because it’s a raging sea down there, ready to catch him into cold water.

but even up there, soobin feels cold.

he’s inside an illusion of a home where everything feels safe and warm, but he would fall into the sea the moment he takes a step forward.

==

it was the beginning of their first autumn that they started living together.

others would say that it was a bad decision, as they had not been dating or even known each other for that long. they met in winter, started dating in spring, and then everything went in a flurry of colours.

they didn’t need long to get to know each other in the early period of their relationship. there were a lot of late night talks, phone calls that lasted until they fell asleep with their cheeks pressed onto heated cell phones, and memories.

a lot of memories, immortalized in pictures.

“memories can only do so much, you know? i want to make sure that i remember all the details about this day when i see the pictures. the colour of the sky, the scent of the breeze, the sound of grass under our shoes,” beomgyu explained on their first date, the first time he brought out his camera. he looked up at soobin from where he was lying down on the grass, head cushioned on the elder’s thigh while his hair was stroked by the gentle breeze floating by the han river side. 

soobin blinked when the camera was pointed at him, capturing the smile he subconsciously had on his face. “what can you remember from that?”

“i’ll remember the way you look at me, and that you are in love with me on this day.”

they hadn’t exchanged the  _ love _ word yet by then, but soobin didn’t say anything, and it made beomgyu’s heart throb at the silent confirmation that  _ he is in love with me _ .

they captured a lot of memories throughout the six months of their relationship, more than beomgyu ever did in his whole life.

he never thought that soobin had any interest in taking pictures too, as he usually only indulged beomgyu for a few minutes of taking pictures before they moved on with their dates. other times, he even actively distracted his boyfriend, jumping into the peripheral shot at the last second, tickling his waist, or what he did best: kisses.

when beomgyu looked at his camera previews for too long, head hung low and brows knitted in focus, sometimes soobin would bend down to peek along. except, he would be peeking up at beomgyu’s face, before leaning in for a kiss that made beomgyu forget everything else.

so it was a surprise that soobin had a lot of pictures from their dates too.

they were all printed, plastered over a wall inside a spare room soobin had in his apartment. the first time soobin brought him into that room, it was their seven month anniversary, and beomgyu’s eyes lit up at the sight of pictures. some were from his cameras, some were couple pictures of them, and some were photos of beomgyu when he wasn’t looking. 

“does this seem stalker-ish?” soobin’s voice penetrated through his surprised stance.

“no, i just didn’t think you’d have pictures of me, or us.”

“well, i stole some of yours too, but they are not enough.”

beomgyu frowned. “i can send you more if you want.”

“i still think it won’t be enough,” soobin sighed, but there was no trace of contempt in his face like what beomgyu feared when he heard his words. there was only the fond look that always turned his heart weak. and even more as he spoke again. “looking at your pictures is not enough anymore, beomgyu-ah. i want you here. i want your stupid face to be the last thing i see before i fall asleep and i want to wake up with you curled on my side. not just one day or two days. every day.”

“my face is not stupid…” beomgyu mumbled.

“yah, is that all you are getting from what i said?”

the younger grinned at that, before throwing himself at soobin, letting himself be caught inside the pair of arms that were always ready to cushion his fall.

“i will move in with you, hyung.”

that was it. the big one step forward in their relationship. beomgyu had a lot of fear when it came to commitment, but at that time, he would do anything for soobin.

== 

they are back inside the photographs room today. three of the walls are filled with printed photos and polaroids of them. soobin can remember the events from every single one as he scans through them from where he lies down on the floor, feeding himself some of the newly baked sugar cookies. 

beomgyu is doing the same thing, except he walks around the room, smiling to himself before the smile falls without a trace from his visage as he is faced by a blank wall.

“remember how we thought that we’d fill all the space here with pictures of us by the end of our second year? and here we are today…” he sighs.

“nobody told us that junior year would be that cruel.”

“we could finish this project by the end of our third then.”

soobin stares at him quietly for a moment, wondering what he is thinking about since they both know that there is not going to be a third year for them. once beomgyu steps out from this place later, there won’t be a soobin and beomgyu anymore. 

but they are good actors. after all, they have been acting like they are actually in love for the last few weeks. soobin can go along with this play for a little more.

“yeah, sure.”

his answer makes beomgyu smile, turning around to finally join him on the floor. he slides down onto his front, picking a single cookie that is messily decorated as a christmas tree.

“hyung, what do you think you want to do in five years?” he asks, swinging his legs absently.

“i had a whole plan. we had a plan. you told me that you would travel to seek inspiration for both your photography and literature, and you are not the type to be stuck in one place so you would have to travel a lot.”

“and you are a homebody, we would have to be in a long distance relationship.”

soobin smiles bitterly, trying to hide it by biting on a cookie. because it felt like he had been in a long distance relationship with beomgyu for the past few months. except it’s not the distance between different cities or countries. it’s the distance between them as they slept on the same bed.

it’s the distance that materialized between them as they sat in a same room and beomgyu seemed miles away, lost in his thoughts before snapping back into focus and smiled like nothing happened.

“i think things would go a lot differently in five years,” he finally says. 

it piques beomgyu’s interest, as he probably didn’t expect much when he came up with the question. “how so?”

“in five years… we would be dating for a while already, and with every day that passed, i will fall more and more in love with you. i’ll make a home out of you. so i’ll follow you wherever you go.”

“you would travel with me?”

soobin turns his head to finally find beomgyu’s eyes. he has always loved this particular feature of the male, always loves watching whenever they would light up with excitement, or turn solemn whenever beomgyu is zoning out and thinking about sad things. right now, they are holding the twinkles of expectations and hope.

the hope that soobin keeps feeding, just for his own selfish desire to see the pair of eyes that made him fall in love in the first place.

“in five years, we would be somewhere in europe and i would probably pick a pretty boring restaurant just to get to my knee and propose to you. in five years, i would marry you, choi beomgyu,” he says all this while looking straight into beomgyu’s eyes, and he meant it. every word. the moment he says it. “in five years, i will promise you my forever.”

he sees tears in beomgyu’s eyes when he is done, and he feels his heart shatter with the urge to cry too. because he had thought of the possibilities countless times before. 

he had watched beomgyu for a long time and memorized his little habits, which made him grow more and more in love. it’s in the way he sticks his tongue out when he is about to eat something. or the way he balls his fists when he laughs, and flicks his fingers out in a curl. it’s the way he would make himself smaller as he curls into soobin’s arms, face tucked into his neck, and lips mouthing words into soobin’s skin. every little detail that once made him sure that this is the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with.

when beomgyu fills this lonely apartment with his tinkling laughter, soobin sometimes would grow quiet, watching him the way a moon watches his sun, absorbing his light. 

he sometimes thought loudly.  _ i will marry you. _

he just didn’t know that there would come a day where the laughter would stop and all the lights in his home were out, and he had forgotten how to love choi beomgyu.

and he knows beomgyu knew too, that there won’t be any five years ahead for them, judging from the way he secretly wiped at a corner of his eyes. his voice wet as he tried to be cheerful again.

“let’s finish the cookies!”

==   
  


on beomgyu’s second birthday after they started dating, soobin gave him a bracelet.

this happened out of the blue. one moment they were surrounded by their friends in the small birthday party they held in the apartment, and the next second, beomgyu was pulled into their shared bedroom. he found himself being kissed tenderly. 

“suddenly?” he laughed into the kiss that tasted like alcohol and a birthday cake. 

soobin beamed at him, and he remembered thinking that he looked so beautiful then, on the verge of being tipsy since he always had low tolerance to alcohol. “it’s midnight. i want to be the first one who wishes you birthday.”

he did just that, whispering the words against beomgyu’s lips as his fingers took a gentle hold on the younger’s chin. as he pulled away, beomgyu felt a cold chain fastened around his wrist. it was a bracelet, glistening under the light of their room. 

“happy birthday, baby. i know it’s not much”

“it’s a lot! thank you, hyung. i love it,” beomgyu said, throwing his arms around the taller male to pull him down. closer and closer, flush against him. 

“do you know what a bracelet gift means?”

beomgyu blinked at him. “what is it?”

“you mean the world to me.”

he was being held so securely, yet at that time he fell and fell, down the rabbit hole, and deeper. he didn’t know at that time that it was the last time he was allowed to freefall for the other, as things would start deteriorating from that moment onwards. the only thing he would have left was a bracelet that he always forgot to wear.

==

“hyung, remember that bracelet you gave me?”

soobin arches a brow at the random topic being brought up. “the bracelet that you lost?”

“hey!” beomgyu yells, lifting up his arm to proudly show off the silver bracelet gracing his wrist. “i found it. it was under the bed in my old room.”

his current bedroom. soobin fixes it in his head before reaching out to hold his wrist, scoffing as he recalls the many times they bickered because the younger always misplace it. 

“took you long enough.”

“you promised me that you’d grant one of my wishes if i found this.”

“you weren’t supposed to lose it in the first place,” he deadpans, only to give up when he sees the demanding pout on the other’s lips, knowing that no amount of arguing is worth it. “fine. what do you want?”

that’s how he finds them dancing in their living room. a sound loudly plays from the bluetooth speaker. he feels silly, moving around without any clue on how to dance to the beat. but beomgyu is having fun, making small jumps and banging his head along to khalid’s young dumb and broke, and soobin feels a smile spread across his lips against his will.

“you’re yeonjun hyung’s protégée! what would he say if he sees you dancing like this?”

beomgyu scoffs, yelling over the music. “he dances like this when he’s drunk, i have enough materials to silence him!”

and somehow all the yelling dies down when the music changes. the songs are played in shuffle in the playlist, that the next song that comes up is a slower one. beomgyu takes soobin’s hands to not let him go away, pulling them to wrap around beomgyu’s waist as the younger tiptoes to have his arms around his shoulders.

“one more dance? this was our favourite song.”

_ dear moon _ . their song. soobin wants to laugh as he won’t know how to listen to this song again without thinking about beomgyu. 

that’s the thing about sharing your favourite songs. they cease being only  _ your _ song, and you will associate it with the person you share it with. the song will be ruined for him, will always remind him of how beomgyu had sung this for him on a certain night, with his guitar and deep voice that soobin loved so much. 

so it’s not his fault that he wants to enjoy it for the last time without breaking his heart into pieces. 

_ dear moon, my moon _

_ not getting closer even as i follow _

_ like the moon i can’t reach _

“hyung…” beomgyu calls out in a whisper, gathering soobin’s attention to him again. “if i hadn’t lost the bracelet, would you still be in love with me now?”

“what makes you think so?”

“it says ‘you meant the world to me’ right? what if i stop being your world because you lost it?”

_ oh moon, my moon _

_ i don’t want to hug you _

_ i know you are too big for my arms _

“it doesn’t work like that,” soobin sighs, earning a giggle from the latter. he always loves that sound. the tinkling laughter filling the room, deep enough to make warmth settle in the depth of soobin’s tummy, spreading throughout his system. 

“just wondering… where we went wrong.”

the sadness in beomgyu’s eyes are shut down as his eyelids fluttered close. and it’s for the best, because then soobin won’t be able to hold himself back from telling him that it’s not his fault. despite everything, it’s not solely beomgyu’s fault that they fell apart. 

it’s also his fault, that he couldn’t trust beomgyu enough in their relationship to break down all the protective walls he built. it’s his fault that he hasn’t had the courage to open up to his boyfriend, the person he had promised to love unconditionally. 

it’s as much his fault as beomgyu’s, that they can’t be in love anymore. 

and now, as beomgyu is staring at him again, eyes full of despair and hope to be held back, for a last miracle that grants his wish so that soobin will finally tell him what’s wrong. what’s the actual problem that can’t make him safe enough to let beomgyu in, it takes soobin everything not to give in. 

“beomgyu-ah.” he says, his breath coming out shakily, struggling to fill his chest with oxygen so he won’t crumble in his boyfriend’s hold. 

“hyung…”  _ please _ . 

he could hear it in beomgyu’s voice, the plea. 

yet soobin ignores it for the last time. he has to break the dazed moment between them just so he won’t give in to the urge to pull beomgyu close and kiss him and tell him that everything is okay between them. 

because it’s not okay. it will never be. no matter how much they want to hurt themselves just to stay together. this would hurt, but at least it will happen in a strike. a clean cut.

“i think you should go home,” he says. his voice dripping with ice. a death sentence. 

a flash of hurt crosses beomgyu’s eyes, along with a shine of tears that gleam under the light. and then a small smile spreads over his lips. 

acceptance.

_ my only moon _

_ until the night is deep enough _

_ with the white light and the silence _

_ i won’t fall asleep tonight. _

it breaks him apart too, now realizing that beomgyu has another home to go back to. it used to break him apart whenever they had to fall asleep in different beds, but soobin is handling it better this time. 

he has to.

==

it was always hard for them to be apart, especially when beomgyu would come back to his hometown for the most of christmas and summer holidays. he would stay with his family, and soobin would be counting the time until he comes back. beomgyu thought he sounded adorable then, as they were connected in a late night call, with soobin’s deep voice laced with drowsiness. 

“i know we’ve just been living together for a few months, but this place feels so lonely without you,” soobin said, voice muffled by his pillow.

“are you saying that i’m loud enough to fill the whole place?”

“that, too,” the answer got several hushed protests from beomgyu, but he shut up when soobin spoke up again. his voice soft, yet it ripped through the call with a force. “and i miss you.”

and beomgyu, he was rendered speechless, blushing under the covers of his bed that he had slept on through his childhood and teenager days. except this time, he was listening to his boyfriend speaking, and his chest clenched with so much fondness it almost choked him. 

“i miss you too. it’s my first night here, too. what would you do for the rest of the week?”

“i’ll tell you that i’m okay and i can sleep better on my own because you won’t hog the blankets, just so you won’t worry. but then i’ll also be miserable for the rest of the year until you bring your cute ass back to me.”

he was so, so in love with sleepy choi soobin, for he was more honest than he’d ever ben when he was awake.

soobin would be there to greet him when he stepped out of the train station later on, welcoming him into his arms like he had waited for him for a forever too long, and kissing him among the crowds walking around them. it took beomgyu’s breath away, and the flush of pink on his cheeks were for an entirely different reason than the coldness stinging his skin.

he would take him back into the apartment, where they would make out all night to some lo-fi music. cold legs tangled until they were sharing each other’s warmth.

at the end of the night that particular winter, beomgyu fell asleep in the middle of watching a movie, and he mildly registered a pair of lips pressed against his own unresponsive one. he stayed in his half-asleep daze then, feeling the words whispered against them. 

the whisper of “welcome home,” that was filled with so much relief, and a soft sigh, as if sobin could finally breathe properly again at the presence of his boyfriend in his arms. because it was just that painful for them to be without each other.

it was also the first time soobin said i love you to him, and beomgyu regretted that he was too sleepy to feel the excitement bubbling in his chest, or he would have shouted his answer back into the universe that  _ i love you so much. i love you so much it’s driving me crazy. _

but it was okay, because he thought they had forever. 

beomgyu knew that soobin would be his forever that night.

==

it’s snowing by the time beomgyu steps out from the apartment. soobin is kind enough to walk him downstairs, handing him a box of their prettily decorated christmas cookies at the lobby, which beomgyu hugs to his chest. the air is so cold that the first step beomgyu takes outside had his breath painted in white fog.

“you should’ve worn your padded jacket,” soobin shakes his head, taking off his coat to drape it over beomgyu’s shoulder. it earns him a smile that makes his chest ache with longing.

this is the reason why he was reluctant to entertain beomgyu with this last ‘date’, he knows how easy it is for beomgyu to make him fall once more. even when he was sure that he has no more lingering feelings, he knows how easy it is for beomgyu to capture his heart again. after all, his heart was once belonged to him. 

it’s easy for soobin to fall in love with beomgyu, but the falling out is the painful part. 

falling out happens in the moments where he wakes up to an empty bed, and not registering what is wrong with it until his phone chimes with a good morning text from the former occupant of that side of the bed. falling out happens in the way he ignores that text until hours later, when he is finally awake enough and remembers that he  _ has _ to reply; because beomgyu is no longer his priority.

it happens in his mouth, in the pads of his fingers. the way his lips stop chasing for more kisses and his fingers won’t stay around beomgyu’s long enough for comfort. it’s in his voice, the moment beomgyu’s name feels foreign when he calls out to him. 

soobin knows he can let himself fall again right there, as he watches beomgyu from behind, looking so small wrapped in two coats. his arms hugging a box of cookies tightly to his chest. he can fall in love the way he fell in love for him back when he crashed his bike.

instead, he stands still there, preparing himself for a closure as beomgyu walks away from him. 

except, it only takes him a few steps away before he is already running back inside. the tip of his nose reddened from the snow biting on it, and the trace of tears is back in his eyes again, poorly disguised by the twinkling stars in his eyes as he smiles up at the elder.

“it’s weird, huh. that this is really the end? and i don’t even remember the last time we kissed.”

“beomgyu…”

“not the kiss from earlier but our last kiss when we were still in love,”  _ when you are still in love with me _ is what left unsaid, floating in the air, so palpable that soobin can read it. “i thought we had forever, so i’ve been taking it for granted.”

his heart is beating loudly in his own ears when soobin offers. “do you need a reminder? for the last time.”

beomgyu bites down onto his lip, hiding his pain with a physical pain he inflicts to his own lips. his answer comes in a soft, breathy  _ “please _ ” that soobin could have missed if he wasn’t attentive enough. 

or maybe he wants this just as much. who is he trying to fool?

he is the one who takes the last step that closes the distance between them. his hands find beomgyu first, cupping his cheeks and warming them up instantly under his palms. 

when soobin leans in for the kiss, he steals the gasp away from beomgyu’s parted lips. their lips met in a sweet, chaste kiss. unhurried, like they have all the time in the world and they can do this over and over again. it’s the way they have kissed so many times back then; in the library, under the blankets, under the flickering street lamps. 

they kiss with a promise of a forever, and the magic still lasts even as soobin breaks the kiss, keeping the proximity between their faces. his breath caressing beomgyu’s lips as he whispers. just like he’s done so many times before. except this time, he can see closely, the way tears start filling beomgyu’s eyes again.

“i love you, my pretty beomgyu.”

and it hurts, because he means it for that split second as he says it. yet he has to be the one who breaks the promise when he pulls away, dropping all the contacts from the younger. 

“ah,” beomgyu tries laughing it off, discreetly wipes on a corner of his eyes. “so that’s how it felt. thank you so much, hyung. i’ll see you at uni next year,” he says, and then he smiles at soobin, so so brightly, even when a drop of tear betrays him there. 

realizing that, he curses under his breath, giving a last feeble wave to soobin before turning around to go for real. he steps out from the building, into the light snow that has started colouring the pavement in white. 

soobin wishes he could just stay there, ignoring the beating of his heart that has started to get painful with every pound against its cage. it’s cold when the snow touches his skin, and he visibly shivers when he notices that he has chased after the younger, slowing down his footsteps by the gate as he calls out for him.

“beomgyu-ah.”

there’s hope in his eyes when beomgyu turns around. the way his eyes are glistening with tears and his pink, bitten lips are painted pink reminds him of the first time he saw beomgyu. it was a scene that left him with so many  _ what ifs _ every time he recalls it later on. 

what if he hadn’t stared at beomgyu when he rode the bike back then? what if beomgyu hadn’t helped him? what if he never found beomgyu at that party, or if the boy never came at all? what if they hadn’t kissed that night?

what if he had tried opening up to beomgyu and talked to him instead of closing himself off and hiding every time a problem arise? what if beomgyu had stopped running away from him every time soobin looked unhappy? what if they had worked on making their home into a safe place instead of a suffocating one?

what if he reached for beomgyu now, and told him that there is still a part for him that is yearning for the boy, and that he wanted them to try again?

soobin hates that he has to be this person that keeps providing hope only to let beomgyu down over and over again, because once again, he can’t keep the shine of hope long enough in the pair of eyes he once fell in love with.

“the last time we kissed, it was before your literary genre exam. you were almost late, and you just grabbed anything from the floor. it was the hoodie you gave on my birthday two years ago, and you kept complaining that i kept wearing it, yet you looked so comfortable wearing it. you looked so cute, so when you almost ran out of the room, i called your name. you turned back and ran back to the bed just to give me a kiss. it was a sweet one, slow, despite you being late. the whole time i was thinking that you looked so beautiful, all messy and panicky. but in love.”

beomgyu laughs, a little too wet, and hoarse. yet he still smiles through his tears, not even bothered to hide them anymore.

“were we in love then?”

“we were in love,” soobin confirms. the smile he gets in return is rewarding as beomgyu nods for the last time, before turning around to walk away for real now.

soobin watches him for a little too long, until he disappears at the corner of the street, and he knows that it’s really the end. that’s when he starts feeling the cold seeps into his system, turning his blood into ice that pierced his heart. that must be why it aches so much.

it feels like he is getting a heart attack, gasping for breath as the cold air enters his lungs. but he knows it would pass. 

after all, soobin had given up on forever the first time he lost beomgyu. and he had lost beomgyu way too many times throughout their  _ perfect _ relationship. there is only so much he could take.

he can take it better now, knowing that beomgyu was never meant to be his forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading till the end! this work means a lot to me for some reasons because this was supposed to be a good bye fic, but now im not so sure anymore because finishing this made me feel empty. i really just wanted to write abt them kissing after all.
> 
> also if you get this far, your feedback would mean a lot to me <3 [twt](https://twitter.com/soogyulvr)/[cc](https://curiouscat.me/soogyuphobic)


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